© No Ammo 2012
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Moscow, one of the world's poorest and unpopular cities until the James Bond series became successful, has recently been covered in a deadly haze of smoke surrounding the city and its neighbors. The smoke has killed some fifty people, but nobody really cares about them as the world has a population over 6.2 billion people anyway. [Ryan Mortlock: But dammit James, they make our vodka! Do you want see Moscow go up like a firework?]
Russian officials issued some announcement, but since here at No Ammo we haven't quite mastered that particular Russian dialect we just shoved those Russian characters into Babelfish. He said something along the lines of "Smoke isn't that we haven't that what expected yet to be it. Inside get homes it's your;" Well, we're guessing that means something important, so let's just assume it is. Stupid Babelfish.
Anyway, the smoke came in sometime in the past few days, and then it got really bad. When asked what the cause is, Russian officials started lighting some fires in nearby woods and simply blamed it on that, although there must be some underlying government conspiracy behind it all. Either that or the bong prices have lowered over the past couple of weeks and people can't get enough of them.
Says one Russian drug dealer (actually translated this time): "Yes, I put a discount on my bongs and intricate collection of marijuana. And it sold out in twenty minutes, and then this area of town when up in a puff of smoke. I have no idea if the two events are at all related. I'm just going to believe what the government is saying, because if I offer one bit of the real truth to you guys the KGB will kill me."
Since the smoke has crept in like fog in a graveyard in a typical horror film, several people have lost visibility up to 3ft in front of them and have consequently walked into brick walls, knife stores, and other things that probably aren't fun to run into. Car accident rates have increased 800% over the past few days, with 76 more cases of people driving off cliffs in the last 6 minutes than over the past four decades in the Moscow area.
The government is probably smirking at their cleverness with the whole "wildfire" gag to explain it all, but No Ammo News digs deep and knows something is fishy. That's why America and Russia were pointing nuclear missiles at each other for 40 years.