© No Ammo 2012
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Coalition soldiers are dying at a rate of 16 a second while Julian Assange sits in a lair making billions and stroking a cat. Apparently anyway, he wears a monocle or something, I dunno, I'm going outside. They have ice cream outside. Do you think that cloud looks a bit like Gandalf?
Not content with publishing every single military secret ever, Wikileaks support staff have taken to the streets of Afghanistan themselves, armed with machetes and big fuck-off machine guns, mercilessly slaughtering all who stand before them. Despite mostly being IT support staff from Surrey with no formal combat training, the 24-strong group have quickly overwhelmed coalition troops and taken control of the country.
Former Server Maintenance Official, Bernie Drubbins, said: "Yeah its been piece of piss really. The boss walks in one day, passes me an AK47 and some factor 30, wonders if I fancied doing any overtime. He says all I've got to do is help him wipe the floor with hordes of NATO troops, and subsequentially at some point take over an embittered third world country. I was apprehensive about missing Corrie at first, but then I remembered how my wife's birthday is coming up and I haven't got any money to get her anything. So we set up the Play Station, played a couple hours of GTA IV to get ourselves ready, and hit the road. Since then I haven't looked back."
He added: "Julian didn't really say what he wanted to do with the country after we take it over, he just kept laughing maniacally as thunder sounded ominously in the background. It's probably fine."
Military sources have confirmed the group's self-made wooden defences are largely impenetrable, short of nuclear action. But with every missile currently pointed at Germany in case they nick Obama's spot by the pool, its unlikely the group will be stopped.
NATO spokesmen, Agent Thunder, had this to say: "All this bad news is making me thirsty. And on a day like this, really you reporters, shouldn't you be outside? Come on, if we hurry we can still make ultimate frisbee!"