You bastards, I can't take much more of this. Somebody derail a train, or perform a vasectomy on some pandas, or invade Poland, or fart in the Pope's hat so that the top of his head smells like fart when he puts it on, or, or SOMETHING?!

Maybe we can get Raoul Moat to unshoot himself.. but in the meantime what the hell are you guys doing out there?! And if the answer's not murdering each other then you can go ahead and forget about having dinner. How the hell are we supposed to keep a poor quality satirical website going if nothing's happening? Come on, just a little genocide won't hurt, I'll buy you a beer afterwards (providing you're over 18 and don't get stuck at a war crimes tribunal). You know it makes sense. I know its hot and everything but seriously, think of all the innocent smiling 12 year olds who haven't yet been raped, the complacent little shits.

Shame on you.

In other news please don't put me on a list for this.