Unscathed and minty fresh.

Despite numerous detailed reports of a crazed gunman firing into the presidential convoy, many including pictures, videos, making-of videos, and accompanying travel books, Iranian Officials have insisted that no such attack ever took place.

Ahmadinejad, or Debra to his friends, was en route to a rally at a football stadium (Iran's favourite alternative pass time to alcohol consumption) when a 7ft American wearing nothing but camo shorts and a headband leapt out from behind a propoganda box and began unloading round upon round from his M4 Carbine into the limousine the president had been travelling in. Everyone on board was killed instantly save for mister Ahmadinejad, who thanks to the limo's state of the art Hollywood protection system watched on as the bullets hilariously carved a perfect outline of him cowering into the leather upholtsery.

Some time after the assassin had run out of bullets and had started just throwing things at the car the police arrived, shot the man and wrote Ahmadinejad up for a parking violation. Though shaken by the days events the President saw fit to go ahead with his speech at the football stadium.

Despite having stubbornly outlawed 'asking the state awkward questions' all afternoon, Mr. Ahmadinejad eventually relented, and foregoing his eight thirty bedtime, gave a press conference. He said: "Assassination attempt? What assassination attempt? Oh, you mean that? That thing earlier, that was nothing, don't worry about it. The terrorrist had just tripped over in delight at the glory of Allah's creation and through no intention of his own landed on his trigger finger repeatedly for five minutes, while yelling "DIE SCUM!" and trying to assassinate me. Uhh, I mean not trying to assassinate me, yeah. And it never happened anyway, so shut up! Whores."

He later added, "Its a shame about the limo though, she was really quite something. Crushed mahogany interior, retro air freshener dice, and just two days away from retirement. I guess we should all just count ourselves lucky he didn't manage to hit any of the nuclear weapons in the trunk. Oh shi" - -