A rare sight nowadays as oil in BP petrol stations goes stale

More fluid than on a wedding night

BP (re-branded from British Polluters), keen not to mess up once again, are preparing to apply more than a sticking plaster to the negligence they call the Gulf oil spill.

Since the accident, more than 5 million barrels of crude oil have spilled into the Gulf of Mexico, almost enough to power an American SUV for a week. Motorists in the US have since been surviving by ramming hapless marine wildlife into their filler caps.

The situation in the Mexican Gulf got so bad that at one point the Cubans began rolling their cigars with oil-rich water from the beaches of Havana. Unsurprisingly some Americans are jolly cross since now more than sun tan lotion adorns the coast.

Iraq, not to be outdone where oil is concerned, were quick to react to the news. It has been revealed that, in a spate of irony, Iraqi troops managed to release an estimated 8 million barrels of oil during the Gulf War.

This week has seen its fair share of hair-brained ideas designed to stop the leak. Perhaps the most credible of these are a maze of pipes --like one wouldn't do the job-- and a hat. Mr Peanut better watch out, this oil well has style.

Now a new solution has emerged courtesy of the American free market: concrete. Plans are already in place to pave over the sea and build a Starbucks on it. Nobody will ever notice the difference.

It would seem Obama has been caught with his pants down on this occasion. American opinion, however, is that he has been handing out free blowjobs to BP CEO when he could, and probably should, have lambasted the British oil giants (that's BP, not the American football team), palming off the troubles with amazing ease and seizing yet another opportunity for the American people.

Clinton, by contrast, would have had no hesitation in plugging the hole with his dick. All in all, I wholly expect the US navy will turn up three weeks from now with an array of forged documents and declare the oil theirs. Either that or the concrete will blow up leaving nothing more than crazy paving.